A pulling feeling

وَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌۭ لَّكُمْ ۖ وَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تُحِبُّوا۟ شَيْـًۭٔا وَهُوَ شَرٌّۭ لَّكُمْ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ

[And] Perhaps you enjoy something which is good for you. And perhaps you love something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.

Surah Al-Baqarah 2:216

When other’s are heartbroken and they come to you for advice or condolence, it is always easy to remind them of this ayah. Essentially saying, “hey, the world is much bigger than the limited scope that you see.” Because, you know of an extra perspective, as the one giving the advice, that the other person might find it hard to see. That maybe, there is a realm in which if they got the thing they desired, it could have clear negative repercussions in their future. If they’re sad their engagement fell through, perhaps the relationship would have turned out to be toxic and Allah saved them from it. Or, maybe that relationship would have turned them away from Allah. Or, maybe it would have been OK, but Allah has an even greater plan for them.

However, when it’s time for your own heart to be broken because you desired something and could not obtain it, it is hard to give yourself this same reminder. I wanted this item. I wanted this relationship. I wanted this thing to just work out because I believed it was good for me. I was so firm in my belief that I knew that it was good for me. However, in an extremely humbling way, Allah rejects the opportunity for you, and the thing you would have taken as a given is now moot.

Earlier today, I was faced this same exact debilitating situation. I was rejected from an opportunity that I thought I was ready for, and was sent reeling for hours. To describe the situation I was in, imagine a shelf in a room where you put all your important things. I had written down this opportunity for myself as a given over a year ago, and placed it in such a place that was untouched. Every few weeks I would re-visit this note, and remind myself that “hey, this thing is right around the corner,” and over-time I stopped making Dua. Overtime, I stopped thinking about it as an opportunity, and rather as something that was written for me and guaranteed. Then, within minutes of a brief conversation, I was informed that I was not getting what I wanted, and I realized that I might be the subject of this very ayah.

It is always much harder to give yourself the same leniency and awareness that you passed onto others. But that’s interesting isn’t it? There’s probably something psychological going on there, and if I had to take a guess, it likely has to do with your own positioning while providing this perspective. More specifically, when you’re giving advice to someone else, you’re more easily able to assume an eagle-eyed view of the situation since you have distance and a surface-level perspective on their character. Not to say that you might not understand the person very well, but it is different than how they know themselves. Conversely, when you’re giving yourself advice, you’re so entrenched in your weighty beliefs about yourself that it is hard to distance yourself from them. As a result, you always think in more absolutes. Other people might tell you that it is “okay”, but you would think to yourself “but it’s really not okay because of xyz”. Finding the ability to distance yourself from your own beliefs is difficult, and perhaps this is why Allah reminds us again and again that he is all-knowing and that “we do not know.”

There’s so many other things that can be mentioned here. It feels like it’s a must to mention Surah Sharh where Allah reminds us:

فَإِنَّ مَعَ ٱلْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا ٥ إِنَّ مَعَ ٱلْعُسْرِ يُسْرًۭا ٦

For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed with hardship [will be] ease.

Surah Sharh 94:5-6

that there is something good in every situation. Just because things did not turn out the way you wanted, and almost feel like they have disastrous consequences, doesn’t mean it actually is so. We might think of something as being horrendous in the short-term, but five years later you’ll think “actually it was a very good thing this didn’t happen,” and that’s what it feels like Allah is telling us in both of these Ayahs’. How amazing is it for us then. Alhamdulillah we’re in this position.

As a close, there was this hadith that I’m also reminded of that is nice to think about and reflect on.

حَدَّثَنَا هَدَّابُ بْنُ خَالِدٍ الأَزْدِيُّ، وَشَيْبَانُ بْنُ فَرُّوخَ، جَمِيعًا عَنْ سُلَيْمَانَ بْنِ الْمُغِيرَةِ، – وَاللَّفْظُ لِشَيْبَانَ – حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ، حَدَّثَنَا ثَابِتٌ، عَنْ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ بْنِ أَبِي لَيْلَى، عَنْ صُهَيْبٍ، قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ “‏ عَجَبًا لأَمْرِ الْمُؤْمِنِ إِنَّ أَمْرَهُ كُلَّهُ خَيْرٌ وَلَيْسَ ذَاكَ لأَحَدٍ إِلاَّ لِلْمُؤْمِنِ إِنْ أَصَابَتْهُ سَرَّاءُ شَكَرَ فَكَانَ خَيْرًا لَهُ وَإِنْ أَصَابَتْهُ ضَرَّاءُ صَبَرَ فَكَانَ خَيْرًا لَهُ ‏”‏ ‏.‏

Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it.

Sahih Muslim #2999 | link